you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
