I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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