Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
we're so committed to being not committed
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
