Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
