she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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