I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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