Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
