Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
