Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
