He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
