If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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