I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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