The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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