did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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