When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
