Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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