He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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