i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
