My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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