I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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