Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
