Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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