3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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