I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
