Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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