How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
