Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
