You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
