Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
