Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
