The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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