Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
