The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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