Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
sex in a hospital.. check
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
