Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
