How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
