3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
