So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
