i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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