who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
