Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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