yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
