The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
