Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
