She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
