just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
