They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
