I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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