I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
