I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
